"Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish." - John Jakes

Friday, February 10, 2012

Lost In My Own Little World

It's been almost 2 weeks since my last blog and I've got no real excuse. I've been in a rut, lost a lot of my motivation, and had to throw myself a pity party. But now the party is over and my mind is focused and back in the game.

Since this is my blog where I can express my thoughts and can talk about whatever the hell I want I feel I should talk about why I got in that rut, maybe it will help me prevent it from happening again. Recently a good friend of mine started graduated school and I'm so proud of her. But the fact is I'm also so jealous of her. You see she's a few years younger than me and it kind of hit me that here she is working on her Masters when I only have a lowly Associate. Now don't get me wrong, I know an A.A. is nothing to scoff at and I worked my butt off to get it and am very proud of myself for it, but I know my potential and I feel like I've failed to achieve what I know I can do. That I've disappointed others but more importantly I've disappointed myself. But you wanna know the real crazy thing here: I don't want a Bachelors, Masters etc anymore, haven't for a long time now. I guess that's why I've had such a hard time coming up with a program for my Bachelors cause I'm fine with what I have. With an A.A. I can do what I want to do, and that's be an assistant teacher. I've never wanted to be a "head" teacher in charge of the class, I've always wanted to be the one who's on the side helping. I don't even care about making less money, I wanna do something I love not something that I don't want to do but will make me more money. I mean sure it'd still be fun to be a librarian and that requires a Masters, but I really am perfectly happy with where I'm at.

So why the rut you ask, because again I feel like by stopping here I've let everyone down. And I feel like by going for the job that makes less money I'm letting my husband down (even though he's told me time and time again to do whatever I want to do, not to care about the money). But the real fact is that in a few years here he may not have a job anymore with the way the military is making cuts on reenlistments, and while yes he is close to finishing his degree I feel like he's supported me during these years that the least I can do is turn around and support him when he gets out. He's told me not to worry about it, that I'm just being silly, but I can't help but worry. I feel like by stopping my degree path I've put us at a disadvantage and in for hardships that really aren't necessary if I were to keep going to school..... IDK, just a lot of stuff going through my mind recently about the future.

Anyway, I had my pity party and I'm over it so let's get back to some exciting things: races!! Charlie and I have decided to try to do some kind of race every month this year, and so far we're doing pretty good. We did one in January, signed up for ones in March, May, August, and October, and we have a 5K tomorrow! I'm most excited about May & October because in May Charlie and I are going to do the Warrior Dash obstacle race where we get to jump over fire and get a fuzzy viking helmet, and in October we're not only going to be running from zombies in the Run For Your Lives obstacle but we are also going to BE zombies working in the race in the morning before our wave, how freaking cool is that!! I've also signed up for a 30 day challenge at Curves to help me stay motivated, and of course Charlie is wonderful about keeping me going so I'm really pumped about all of this. I've also been working on cooking dinner more, actually using the cookbooks we have lol. Still have to use my measuring cups/spoons but I can't help it, that habit won't break overnight lol

So all in all things are actually going really good for me right now, I've got a few more things I need to take care of that will make things even better but one step at a time. Tomorrow is supposed to be cold and wet so this is going to be an interesting race, just hopefully no snow =)

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