"Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish." - John Jakes

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

No Surgery!! (Lots of TMI)

Warning this post will contain TMI so if you don't want to become so "up close & personal" with me then skip this blog.

Yesterday I just found out some great news, I don't have to have surgery!! Since few people outside of family even know what I'm talking about you may be like 'wait what, you needed surgery? When? Why? etc etc'. Well it wasn't something I wanted to talk about till I knew more so I've been keeping it to myself.

You see I have bad hemorrhoids, have for a few years now. But for the most part they would go away after awhile and all was good. But the past few months has been really bad, horribly painful bowel movements with so much blood that it looked like I was on my period, I'm serious I would have to put pads on afterwards so I wouldn't stain my underwear. So finally a few weeks ago I got over my 'I hate doctors' attitude and went and had them checked out.

My PCM wasn't in that day so I went to someone else and they basically looked at them and then gave me a number to call to set up an appointment for a consultation to have surgery to get them removed, that's it. So I've been in dread for a few weeks about the surgery and what could happen. No I'm not a overly paranoid person, just have had bad experience before with common routine procedures. When I was younger I had my tonsils removed and to make a long story short the night after the operation I coughed too hard or something, ripping my stitches out and almost bled to death. I had to have two blood transfusions and it was during this event that I developed my fear of needles. So for the past few weeks I've been replaying the few scenes I still have memory of in my mind, growing more and more terrified at what could go wrong.

I met with the proctologist yesterday and she asked me all kinds of questions like how long has it been going on for, what has been done in the past to try and treat it, etc. Finally she said that she needs to have a talk with the PCMs because there are many steps we can take first to treat this without surgery, that I shouldn't even be in her office yet that my doctor should have taken these other steps first. So she wants me to go on a high fiber diet for 12 weeks, to start taking Benefiber every day to see if that helps with my bowel movements. She did one rubber banding treatment (where they put a band around the hemorrhoids to cut off the blood flow to them) and I go back in 4 weeks to see how that did and do more banding if needed. She said that surgery isn't off the table but it is an absolute last resort and we will take all the steps to treat it first before we even consider that. She was a really great doctor, answering all my questions and putting my fears to ease. I know that if surgery becomes necessary down the road I'll be in good hands.

The banding is uncomfortable but not painful, just weird feeling. Last night I had my first bowel movement since the procedure and I was nervous as to how it would go. I felt one twinge which made my heart stop, but that was it and I was fine. So I gotta go to the store today to pick up some stuff I need and I have to start keeping a fiber diary to record what amounts I'm eating in a day.

Exercise hasn't really happened for a few weeks now because the hemorrhoids have been so painful I haven't wanted to move, but they are feeling better so I think I should be able to start back up tomorrow with no problem. The doctor said I shouldn't have any issues exercising with the banding so I'm grateful for that. I've missed exercising and have felt really lazy and lethargic these past few weeks.

I think one thing I'm most excited about is starting the job hunt back up cause I've put it on hold thinking I would be having surgery and then being laid up for 4-6 weeks(or so I read/heard), not the best time to get hired. I've also requested information on some school programs I've been looking at and can't wait to get them in the mail to learn more.

So that's what has been going on with me, haven't wanted to blog until I knew more and that turned out was a good idea cause I would have had people worrying about surgery for nothing. Hopefully the banding/high fiber diet works and I won't ever have to have surgery

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Best Birthday In Years

Saturday was my 25th birthday. I don't really celebrate birthdays, they're just another day to me. However this year was a busy day, and turned out to be one of my best birthdays in years.

It started out with a morning 5K race in Arlington. Halfway through the race it started to snow so I was not happy about that, but thankfully it only lasted maybe 5 minutes. Our goal for the race was to keep a 18 min/mile pace and we beat that so I was very very happy. Plus everyone loved my Yoda backpack, he was the hit of the race.

Afterwards we came home for a quick nap and then headed out. First we stopped by the MCX food court and grabbed some pizza cause we were starved, and then we went bowling. Charlie had his new ball drilled and we did a few rounds till my legs started to get sore from the race and we called it quits. Charlie bought me flowers and they look like spring so it was so nice in this cold.

Then we came home and Charlie made reservations at The Melting Pot for dinner. He asked if I wanted us to dress up nice or anything and I said no I was fine with jeans & a tshirt. But then after his shower he dressed up real nice and I was annoyed. You see since I got bigger I haven't really bought any new clothes, especially nice clothes/winter nice clothes, so I don't have a lot to wear. But by him dressing up I would have to dress up in size too small clothes and I was not happy. Then while I was showering he said he had picked an outfit out for me that he knew would fit, a skirt and a nice tanktop. Now I was really annoyed cause ya they fit but it was freaking windy/snowy outside and he wanted me to wear a skirt.

As I got out of the shower to dry off he grabbed my brush and turned on the hair dryer and started to dry my hair. It was then my mind flipped the switch and I realized that I was being a jerk to be upset with him, here he was trying to do something nice for me for my birthday and his intentions were pure sweet. So the change of thinking changed my mood completely and it was one of the sweetest gestures. Then I wanted to look nice for him, doing my makeup and putting on some nice jewelry.

We had a great time at dinner, they had a Valentine's Day theme dinner complete with a rose so it was pretty cool. The running between buildings and the car made us freeze but we laughed and laughed and laughed. Overall I had a wonderfully amazing birthday and I really do have the best husband in the world.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Lost In My Own Little World

It's been almost 2 weeks since my last blog and I've got no real excuse. I've been in a rut, lost a lot of my motivation, and had to throw myself a pity party. But now the party is over and my mind is focused and back in the game.

Since this is my blog where I can express my thoughts and can talk about whatever the hell I want I feel I should talk about why I got in that rut, maybe it will help me prevent it from happening again. Recently a good friend of mine started graduated school and I'm so proud of her. But the fact is I'm also so jealous of her. You see she's a few years younger than me and it kind of hit me that here she is working on her Masters when I only have a lowly Associate. Now don't get me wrong, I know an A.A. is nothing to scoff at and I worked my butt off to get it and am very proud of myself for it, but I know my potential and I feel like I've failed to achieve what I know I can do. That I've disappointed others but more importantly I've disappointed myself. But you wanna know the real crazy thing here: I don't want a Bachelors, Masters etc anymore, haven't for a long time now. I guess that's why I've had such a hard time coming up with a program for my Bachelors cause I'm fine with what I have. With an A.A. I can do what I want to do, and that's be an assistant teacher. I've never wanted to be a "head" teacher in charge of the class, I've always wanted to be the one who's on the side helping. I don't even care about making less money, I wanna do something I love not something that I don't want to do but will make me more money. I mean sure it'd still be fun to be a librarian and that requires a Masters, but I really am perfectly happy with where I'm at.

So why the rut you ask, because again I feel like by stopping here I've let everyone down. And I feel like by going for the job that makes less money I'm letting my husband down (even though he's told me time and time again to do whatever I want to do, not to care about the money). But the real fact is that in a few years here he may not have a job anymore with the way the military is making cuts on reenlistments, and while yes he is close to finishing his degree I feel like he's supported me during these years that the least I can do is turn around and support him when he gets out. He's told me not to worry about it, that I'm just being silly, but I can't help but worry. I feel like by stopping my degree path I've put us at a disadvantage and in for hardships that really aren't necessary if I were to keep going to school..... IDK, just a lot of stuff going through my mind recently about the future.

Anyway, I had my pity party and I'm over it so let's get back to some exciting things: races!! Charlie and I have decided to try to do some kind of race every month this year, and so far we're doing pretty good. We did one in January, signed up for ones in March, May, August, and October, and we have a 5K tomorrow! I'm most excited about May & October because in May Charlie and I are going to do the Warrior Dash obstacle race where we get to jump over fire and get a fuzzy viking helmet, and in October we're not only going to be running from zombies in the Run For Your Lives obstacle but we are also going to BE zombies working in the race in the morning before our wave, how freaking cool is that!! I've also signed up for a 30 day challenge at Curves to help me stay motivated, and of course Charlie is wonderful about keeping me going so I'm really pumped about all of this. I've also been working on cooking dinner more, actually using the cookbooks we have lol. Still have to use my measuring cups/spoons but I can't help it, that habit won't break overnight lol

So all in all things are actually going really good for me right now, I've got a few more things I need to take care of that will make things even better but one step at a time. Tomorrow is supposed to be cold and wet so this is going to be an interesting race, just hopefully no snow =)