How many of us out there hide who we truly are, what we really feel. I know for myself not a single person really knows the real me, really knows what I think or how I feel. Not even my husband who in my eyes holds the moon, the sun, & the stars, or my mother who is one of my closest confidants. I have this mask so well weaved that even times I don't even know the real me.
This past year or so I've been struggling with an identity crises and realized that I really don't know who I am anymore. I try to do my best to please everyone else, do what's expected of me and in the process I've pushed myself farther and farther away from who I really am. That's one of the reasons I struggle so much with trying to figure out a major so I can go back to school and finish my B.A., I know what everyone else wants of me but I have no clue what I want anymore. And shouldn't I care about what I want, shouldn't that be a top priority? It's my life after all, I'm the one going to be doing whatever I decide for the rest of it, shouldn't I have some kind of say in what that is. But I'm so disconnected with myself that I don't even know what my heart's desire is anymore, I have no clue what would make me happiest.
I was listening to my music today while doing the dishes and the song "Numb" by Linkin Park came on and it totally spoke to me because I understand; I feel numb to who I am, who I was, who I'm meant to be. How am I supposed to grow as a person, to share with others my being when I don't even share it with myself, I don't even know it myself.
I think that's why I'm so gung-ho about hiking the Appalachian Trail, because for once it'll be all about me. I don't have to please anyone else, hit the expectations of anyone else, it's just me and the trail. I know that kind of sounds like running away from my problems, and I'm sure some people see it that way. But for me it's running towards my problems, facing them head on. Finding out who I am and what I want out of life. No one can help with that but me, and I'm lost. I need to find myself again before I think I'll ever truly be happy. Of course the trail is still many years off, got to save the money first, but just the process of planning it has already ignited a spark in me that I thought I had lost long ago.
So while I don't think I have the guts to do like my friend and bare my heart & soul to the world, I think I'll work more on removing this mask that I've had on for so long. I think it's going to be a difficult process, it's who I am now, it's just not who I was meant to be. And maybe in the process I'll discover myself again, and that spark will come back full flame.